Limerick #28

There's something that I need to take.
Let's call it a "holiday break."
In the year twenty-ten
I'll be back again
And many more poems I'll make.

Limerick #27

When my wife is wrapping a gift
She does it impressively swift.
I wish she could wrap
Up all of her crap
But if I asked she'd get pretty miffed.

Limerick #26

When would we celebrate Christmas
If there was no winter solstice?
On the darkest of nights
The pagans were alright
'Cause they'd stay warm by all getting pissed.

Haiku #5

Boy looks up smiling.
Santa's helpers carry bags.
Their smiles are equal.

Limerick #25

At Christmas there's something quite strange -
A "fun" game that will never change.
We spend twenty bucks,
Get something that sucks,
Then complain about the gift exchange.

Limerick #24

I'm literally falling asleep
Trying to write this mother bleep.
I should write in advance
So I can take off pants,
Jump in bed and start counting sheep.

Limerick #23

What the hell happened to December?
I swear yesterday was November...
In two weeks and a bit
I've done lots of shit,
Most of which I cannot remember.

Limerick #22

There once was a bug from B.C.
That could harm much more than a flea.
He was ready to dine
On delicious pine
When frost killed him and saved the tree.

Limerick #21

There once was a bare plastic tree
That for two weeks stared straight at me.
It said, "What's the deal?
I want balls to feel!"
I said, "Shut it perv, I've been busy."

Haiku #4

Minus forty-six.
Are you effing kidding me?
Minus forty-six.

Limerick #20

I'm tired and want to get to bed
But before I can lay down my head
I've still got to write
Something clever tonight
Or my limerick streak will be dead.

Limerick #19

At the Christmas party thrown by ACE
I drank booze at a medium pace.
The right amount of beer
To share Christmas cheer
But not stumble and fall on my face.

Limerick #18

You were thinking we'd draft someone great
Then the Oilers went and won four straight.
The playoff race is tight
And they'll keep up the fight
To land right below spot number eight.

Limerick #17

Way deep down inside my brain stem
There's a soft spot for Boney M.
I always succumb
To their Christmas album
'Cause sweet Jesus, that record's a gem.

Limerick #16

A national pastime called curling
Involves big rocks that are swirling.
The skips speak in tongues
At the top of their lungs
To make players sweep what they're hurling.

Haiku #3

I sit in traffic.
My windshield crys melted snow.
I'm crying man tears.

Limerick #15

Unless you are driving a Hummer
This snowstorm is a real bummer.
It's easy to tell
Why Stephen Mandel
Proposed World Expo for the summer.

Limerick #14

Edmontonians young and old
Are complaining about the cold.
Soon there will be snow
And we will all know
That winter has truly taken hold.

Limerick #13

Tiger Woods has made a confession
That he's committed a transgression.
He put his wood in
Someone he shouldn't,
Now all his sponsors have depression.

Limerick #12

Last night a man who was a slouch
Fell asleep quite early on his couch.
He slept like a log
With no post on his blog...
Now this morning he's a real grouch.

Limerick #11

There was a team from Montreal;
With seconds left they had the ball.
Their missed field goal kick
Really didn't mean dick...
There was a too many men call.

Haiku #2

Hot wings are funny.
People pay to burn their mouths.
I'll have ten with ranch.

Limerick #10

While sitting and having a beer
I heard Hemsky was done for the year.
I shouted "Oh well,
This season's gone to hell,"
And poked my eyes out with a spear.

Limerick #9

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen...
Covering it would be just obscene.
But now the Muppets
Who are only puppets
Did a version of which I'm quite keen.

Limerick #8

Adam Lambert got some attitude
From people who thought he was rude.
When they watch TV
They'd rather watch Glee
Than Lambert hump the face of a dude.

Limerick #7

I'd put up one hell of a fight
If I was forced to watch Twilight.
Apparently there
Are people who care,
Though I'd guess those people aren't too bright.

Limerick #6

There once was a team called the Stamps
Who played like a bunch of old gramps.
Now the Rider Nation
Is filled with elation
Even though Montreal will be champs.

Haiku #1

Snow falls on the slopes.
Skis slither like blue serpents.
Ahhh... Marmot Basin.

Limerick #5

This week I was feeling quite low.
Then I heard about all of the snow.
Jasper has a tonne.
Skiing will be fun.
And that new chair lift really can go.

Limerick #4

A young chap named Comrie sure looked rough.
We all wondered why he was in tough.
One kiss on his chin
And mono set in –
Now we’re all pissed at Hilary Duff.

Limerick #3

In the land once ruled by King Ralph Klein
A strong flu bug was on the decline.
But its name wasn't fun -
What's an H1N1?
I say screw it, let's go back to "swine."

Limerick #2

There once was a team named the Oilers.
In the leagues basement they were toilers.
They started to slip
Before the road trip
And now with each win they'll be spoilers.

Limerick #1

There is a young writer named Ryan
Who'll write poems till he is dyin'.
Limericks and haiku
Might be tough for you
But Ryan writes them without tryin'.